I'd be lying if I said I was enjoying this family gathering. As far as I've ever been concerned, Father's Day isn't a real holiday. My belief may not be popular, but I have every intention to stick by it. It's not so much the fact that I'm boycotting Father's Day by hiding in the computer room of my aunt's house, but more along the lines of trying to escape the family aspect. I'd lasted twenty minutes before I got sick of people interrupting my reading to ask if I was ok and try to engage in small talk. If my nose is in a book, that should be an indicator that I don't want to talk.

It's bothersome to think that nearly everyone at this gathering is aware that a few weeks ago I had tried to off myself. Damn near succeeded to, but Murphey's law is a little bitch and I was saved at the last minute. The sheer amount of medication that I'd overdosed on was, according to several nurses doctors and psychiatrists, more than enough to kill me. I wasn't even conscious when my body's survival instinct kicked in and regurgitated the mess. Being unconscious, the vomit dripped into my lungs, giving me double pneumonia. According to the EMT's who dragged my ass to the hospital, I was barely breathing on my own and I had no brain activity. 100% unresponsive. How do we know I was unresponsive? My mother tried the following in order to wake me up: yelling at me, shouting my name, shaking me, slapping me, and pouring cold water on my face. Very, very close to my goal of snuffing the life out of myself.

Little over a week on the ICU, four or five days in a voluntary psychiatric facility, and I was back out in public. Nothing much had really changed. My parents were constantly on edge. The only person who I could really talk to who I knew would understand was my best friend/roommate. We had very similar issues, and she saw suicide the same way I did; a comfort. An end. The absence of pain and depression. I didn't even have to explain myself to her.

While I spent days laying around the ICU, my mother sent an email to the entire family tree explaining what happened and the current situation. This annoyed me, but wasn't remotely surprising. My mom was the closest we had to the family gossip.

So naturally, at the first family gathering since my discharge from Eden Hospital, everyone just HAS to talk to me and ask if I'm ok. I don't particularly like it, because I don't want to have to explain anything to them, and I'm not too good at talking anyway. Maintaining any kind of conversation is not my forte. Except for a handful of people, none of which are family.

So here I am. Typing a short rant/monologue/whatever. Avoiding those whose only connection to me is a blood tie; a mere genetic accident.

Solid depression.

Boy, do I know this feeling all too well.

Regular boring day. My psych teacher was a no-show, which in honestly a first. We watched Stand By Me in English, which is dumb, I can watch movies in History of Film. I took English101C for English, not a damn movie.

Anyway... I'm pondering what classes I want to take next semester.

Classes I need:
Anything math-related
Introduction to Biology
American Government
Economics
Adolescent Development (Psy)

Classes I want:
Criminology
Beginning Digital Photography
Social Psychology
Biological Psychology
Sociology

And if I could find a Creative Writing class, I can die happy.

-Cait

Cait: I'm sorry.
Amanda: For what
Cait: What i'm about to say.
Amanda: What happened?!
Cait: Me and tj had a discussion/fight. You're beautiful. You're humorous. You have this stunning personality... and i'm completely jealous of you.
...
Amanda: Do you not want me to be friends with him?
Cait: What i want is to not feel like this. But i'm not going to ask you two to stop being friends because i'm being an idiot. So no. I just need to figure out how to turn the jealousy off.
Amanda: Dude although you feel like this i love my boyfriend
Cait: I know you do. But there was this period of time where you wanted tj when i first started dating him. I guess i never really got over that, even though its past.
Amanda: Lol not at all :-) i wanted to be with him when i was with him thats all
Cait: Thats not the impression i got. tj didn't want me to mention this, but when he was in sacramento a few summers ago, you told him that you couldn't stop thinking about him and just wanted to be with him. Or am i totally wrong?
Amanda: I dont remember that at all
Cait: I do... But nevermind about that. I want us all to be fine and dandy, but sometimes i feel like you're taking my position as the 'girl' of the group. I know thats not how it really is, but with you being a conversationalist and overall awesome, i feel like i can't measure up to you.
Amanda: Ive always been the girl as the group thats why im being weird
Cait: Being weird?
Amanda: Mmhm
Cait: What did you mean by that?
Amanda: I'm really bad off
Cait: How so?
Amanda: I'm confused
Cait: Ok. I want us to be friends, but i think i'm always going to envy the friendship you and tj have.
Amanda: Why?
Cait: Because i can't joke and laugh with him anywhere near what you two have. Because i can't keep a conversation going half the time, but it comes no naturally to you.
Amanda: Ours hasnt been as strong as it once was
Amanda: Oh...is this why you two are fighting
Cait: A bit
Amanda: Damn that sucks
Cait: I'm just being dumb. Sorry to bother you with all this.
Amanda: Ok...
Cait: I'm really sorry amanda. I'll work on it. Still friends?
Amanda: Sure
Cait: You're kinda put off by this, aren't you? :-(
Amanda: A bit but whatever
Cait: Ok... :-/ I need to go to bed. I hope I haven't fucked everything up. G'night.

...

Cait: Amanda?
Amanda: Yes
Cait: I want to apologize. I am so sorry... How can i fix this?
Amanda: Its fine ill just be out of the loop more
Cait: I don't want that... Thats not fair to you at all, or the other people who want your company.
Amanda: Its fine this has happened to me before i'm used to it..ill just come around alot less
Cait: You shouldn't have to do that...
Amanda: Its whatever its bugging you i dont want to put stress on your relationship so ill just be less in your lives it will suck but i mean tj has already not seen me too much so its not like im not used to it 
Cait: Amanda, it hurts him to not have you in his life.
Amanda: Now your being silly
Cait: No, i'm not. You're his best friend, and have been for a while. He doesn't want to lose that.
Amanda: Well i dont want you to feel threatened
Cait: Thats just me being dumb. I'll eventually get over it. And on the side, i'm glad you actually understand me... the guys don't get it.
Amanda: So what do you want me to do
Cait: To be honest, i'm not sure. Since they're all your friends too, the choice is yours.
Amanda: Your gf though you're superiority
Cait: In that case, I want what won't hurt him.
Amanda: What about us?
Cait: I want what is least painful for all three of us. But after the convo tj and i had last night, i'm putting his needs before mine. So it comes down to what you want to do in this situation.

She hasn't responded. I don't want to bother her anymore with my conflicted indecision... Truth be told, I feel horrible. I feel like a bad girlfriend. And a bad person overall. 

Theres just too much to say. The conversation I mentioned took place last night. TJ, Ginger, and I were seeing "Nine" in theatre. We were having a good time. Amanda texted him halfway through the movie, and as usual I got pissy and refused to explain it. We drove Ginger back to his car, and then TJ finally confronted me. Basically, my envy of Amanda is irrational, unnecessary, and unwanted. He flat out told me that there was no way he could pick between me and her, but the situation had to stop. And again, as usual, during this very serious and necessary conversation, he did all the talking and I had nothing to say. Because I never have anything to say. And when he was able to force an answer out of me, to the question "Why can't you live without me?," he took my response the wrong way. I said I couldn't be without him because he makes me happy. Because he can inspire an emotion that no one else can come close to. Because when I'm around him, everything goes away. That was my way of saying that I love him and can't bear to lose the connection we have. He took it as... well, he took my response and said that basically he's like a drug to me. Not what I meant, but thats the way he took it.

Theres a lot more to that conversation, but the more I think of it the more it tears a hole in me and makes me want to cry. I don't know if I could deal with a life without him. He said that he's pretty sure that theres another drug[guy] out there thats better suited for me, but I'm settling with him because he's the first to make me happy. Just because he's the first. I don't see it that way. He could be right. But all I know is that I want to be with him; if I lose him, I know the intensity of the heartbreak thats going to follow. And I know I'm not strong enough.

-Cait

mood: crushed music: Broken - Seether

Guess I finally have a bit to talk about.

Cirque du Soleil. Since I know most of the people who read this aren't utterly clueless, I ain't explaining. Anywho... The company Mrs. Hoffman works for, ManPower, interviewed and hired TJ and I to work for the Cirque. We requested janitorial positions, but more qualified janitors got the job. Instead, we got cashier jobs. And reluctantly accepted.

During the interviews we were told we'd have to be at work by two, Tuesday through Sunday. This clashed with my school schedule, WHICH BY THE WAY ManPower said they'd work around our school schedules. Anyway... Having intense trouble finding a job in Fremont, and figuring it'd look good on my resume, I dropped Psychology 101. The class I fucking loved, the teacher I admired, and the future career I want. I stopped attending (I was passed the drop date) it for a temporary job, just to find out that Cirque du Soleil normally doesn't require their employees to be at work until 6. I won't get a W. I'm going to have an F.

Anyway. We get our schedules weekly. Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays are two show days, and therefore double shifts. Instead of paying a ridiculous amount for gas and parking, we pay a slightly less ridiculous amount and commute via BART and the T train/Muni. We always leave two hours before our shift, in case BART is being slow or whatever. We leave earlier than necessary and get back to Fremont later than necessary.

Our job consists of preparing food (popcorn, hot dogs, candy), cleaning the bars, and working the registers when the customers order food. Or, if we're runners, when a customer makes an order we run and get everything and bring it back to the register. The only real customer interaction takes place between the start of the show and when they open the tents (one hour), and the 30 minute intermission. Usually I do fine on the registers. One time I was $27 short and thus got my first warning. Major blow to the self esteem. And there are a few other things I'm less than fond of. The $15.20 commute is one. A handful of pretentious, arrogant bitch/bastard coworkers is another. My not-so-pretty sized paychecks. Oh, and getting home around midnight. Very annoying.

I'm not particularly fond of this job, but Mrs. Hoffman helped me get the job, so I'm sticking with it, until it ends in January. There are a few perks, though. A few coworkers are pretty cool. There's Ross, Henry, Leigh, Diego, Elane, Katie, and another woman who's name I keep forgetting. They're pretty cool people. Though naturally, my favorite coworker is TJ. Most people can guess that he and I are dating.

So, that's the Cirque. The show is OVO, in case you were wondering. Not the best of all the other performances, but eh. When they're done in San Fran, they're moving down to San Jose. I don't plan on transferring, though TJ is considering it.

TJ and I are getting close to our two-year mark. Less than a month away. I'm excited about that. ^.^ Most of the money we're making from the Cirque is going into an apartment fund. The plan is to move in together eventually. We spend so much time together at his house, that I'm sure we could live together comfortably. I'm head over heels for this guy. <3

Najeeba and I aren't talking anymore.

My list of people I dislike is growing ever steadily.

Lorne and Phantom Dennis are hilarious.

-Cait

mood: okay

Cait: Tj, you're such a whorecrux.
TJ: Ima stick it right in yourmeine
Cait: You might get hogwarts.
TJ: Thats why i use expecto patronleum jelly
Cait: Even that is useless against my chamber of secrets.
TJ: Fine ill put my basilisk away

Although there are probably thousands upon thousands more, I could not think of any more Harry Potter puns.

I'm almost done with the sixth book. And in all honesty I really like it.

-Cait

P.S. I know it's 'horcrux,' not 'whorecrux.'

mood: amused

I hate crying for stupid reasons. All that really happened was tiny things piled up and one of them finally knocked me over. Now I'm sitting in my bedroom, tears dripping off my face, trying to get ahold of some kind of friend and cry on their shoulder because I just need the comfort. Probably doesn't help that I'm playing depressing music in the background, but hey, if I need to let the tears out I might as well do it all at once.

Najeeba isn't answering, Amanda isn't answering, CJ is offline, Romeo isn't home, TJ is eating with some friends... That's the list of people I feel I can cry in front of. 

Tiny, but violent Cait, acting tough and hard, and look... now she's crying because her boyfriend is at lunch with someone she can't stand, so she went home instead...

Just texted Amanda again... I wish somebody would answer me... I don't want to interrupt TJ's lunch. I guess I'm just gonna sit here and cry everything out.

-Cait

mood: crushed

Got bored. Put on some makeup... black eyeliner, sparkly purple eye shadow and purple lipstick.

-Cait

Cait: Bitch
TJ: slut
Cait: Skank
TJ: whore
Cait: Prostitute
TJ: night runner
Cait: Street walker
TJ: tramp
Cait: hooker
TJ: pavement princess
Cait: (thats a new one) ass licker
TJ: floozy
Cait: Jezebel
TJ: bimbo
Cait: ditz?
TJ: ho
Cait: carpet licker
TJ: hooch
Cait: queef
TJ: preteen
Cait: ex pedophile
TJ: ginger
Cait: faux jew
TJ: vals bitch
Cait: chris' bitch
TJ: harpy
Cait: amateur porn star
TJ: professional porn star
Cait: bondage master
TJ: bondage slave
Cait: prick
TJ: pencil dick
Cait: sexual deviant
TJ: metrosexual deviant
Cait: pervert
TJ: heliophile
Cait: transvestite from transexual transylvania
TJ: steve reeves movie

I bet you can just feel the love.

-Cait

Posted in today's LJ

OH MY GOD, BEST DINNER PARTY EVER.

Ok, so TJ's graduation dinner was at China Chili's. Twenty something people showed up, but the life of the party was our table. There was (in this order, going clockwise) me, Ginger, my dad, Dave (Bullard's partner), Bullard, my mom, Zak, Chris, Alex Baun, and TJ. The conversation consisted mostly of what you'd hear in Bullard's room during brunch. Rated R, and very, very gay. Like, reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllly gay.
My mom lasted until Bullard gave TJ his congrats card. On the front was a drawing of what was apparently a "Viagra Graduation" or something along the lines of that. Then this happened...

Cait: "No, Bullard, he doesn't need that."
Bullard: "Well I'd hope so, cuz then we'd know that he really is gay."
Entire Table: "LOLOLOL"
Mom: ::leaves::

Dad spit up his tea several times, and hilarity ensued the whole time. That is the most laughing I've done in a very long time. As dad drove me home he said that TJ was hilarious, but he might just be swinging for the other side. I said no, I've had that boy in bed for a year, he's not gay.Good times. TJ! Blog about this!

-Cait


And then this...

Chris: Do u seriously think im gay?
Cait: Um, no? Why do you think that?
Chris: Thats what u said
Cait: When? I'm pretty sure you're straight, dude.
Chris: Im confused right before u told me to go kiss ryan
Cait: Because it would freak him out, and that'd be funny.
Chris: Confused the hell outta me, oh and wear tanktops more often... U look hot
Cait: thank you
Chris: Lol
Cait: Indeed
Chris: But seriously nice cleavage
Cait: Gettin a bit awkward
Chris: Really i dont think so
Cait: For me.
Chris: Now if i said thinking about it made me hard that would be awkward. any way how bout them clouds
Cait: Very cloud like. Plotting something.
Chris: Oh hellz yes we need an anti cloud machine
Cait: How the bloody fuck do you make one of those? Besides, although shifty, i thought clouds had a purpose?
Chris: To be cloudy
Cait: That too.
Chris: Lol
I'm crashing. G'night.
Chris: Gnight looove u lok


Gah... The bold parts are what made me feel the most uncomfortable. Like, super no bueno. Obviously I haven't gone to bed yet, I just wanted out of the conversation. While we were at TJ's after the dinner, Chris was staring at my chest after I took my jacket off... Ugh. Ew. No, no, no.

-Cait

mood: awkward

TODAY'S LJ

So. I am now a high school graduate.

Finally walked across that stage, got that diploma. In orange. Disgusting, vomit-inducing day-glo orange. I was kinda irritated when I was addressed as "Caitlan Hope Teague," cuz I damn well know I didn't sign my middle name on the little form (on how to correctly pronounce your name at graduation).

I think graduations are one of the most boring things ever, and that opinion hasn't changed, so that's why I didn't send out grad announcements. Didn't really feel like making people I like suffer.

Seems that a lot of other graduates were going through the phase of "OMG I will never see you again cry cry" and I... didn't. Probably because the only people who really mattered to me are going to the same college as me anyways.

Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I thought it would. Hasn't.

Aaaaanyway... Congrats to TJ, the only other WHS graduate who reads this. I love you very, very much, and I'm proud of you. And out of everything I can say, here's what you get via LJ... "Ants... ants everywhere... all over the place... ants..." Ha! I love you. Congrats, love.

So... I've had this journal since... just before seventh grade. Damn. A good chunk of my life is here... damn. Thank you to everyone who's read my shit and helped me along the way.


WEDNESDAY'S MYSPACE BLOG

So. I guess it's finally over.

Honestly... I'm still kinda numb. I think 'numb's the word. It just hasn't quite hit me yet; high school is over. It's done. I made it. No more Washington... just graduation, then I never have to go there again.

Again, to be perfectly honest... I'm not happy that it's over. I'm not sad. I'm not excited. Heh. Altbaum would say my mind is trying to protect itself from something. No. I think it's more that... I'm such an observer, not really a participator. There's no pain from disconnecting from high school, because I wasn't all that connected to it in the first place. No clubs, no sports, no Husky Pride. School was just school.

There is no epiphany, no big sudden realization, and no need to move on. Maybe it'll all hit me when I'm walking across the stage and taking my diploma. Maybe after the ceremony when everyone's milling around, taking pictures and saying goodbyes. Maybe at TJ's graduation dinner, when he and I are smiling at each other and holding hands.

Or maybe I was just never a part of anything anyway.



Not when I walked across the stage. Not when we all milled around. So... will it hit me at TJ's dinner?

-Cait

mood: apathetic music: Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger

Describe your idea of a perfect summer vacation. 

I'm gonna go a little bit crazy here... this is how I fucking wish this summer would go.

I land a job, as soon as I graduate. At Borders. I get mucho money. TJ lands a job, also at Borders. He gets mucho money. We combine our income, graduation money, and my left over birthday money and find ourselves a little studio apartment. We move out of our parents' house, and into out apartment. I bring kittens.

TJ gets his car, and license, so he drives himself and me to and from work. I get my license, and use his car just to get to work. 

We obviously share a bed. On our days off, or the days when we work later, we sleep in until noon, tangled in each other's arms. When we have free time, he takes me to hidden valley to teach me to use the M4 airsoft gun he's giving me, and I get pretty good at airsoft. I begin to play with the group regularly. 

Me and Amanda become better friends, and have that drunken mud wrestling contest in that mud pit we found. The boys can all watch, except for Chris, just to fuck with him. We maybe find some other bisexual girls to wrestle with us. Everyone will be drunk off their ass.

Me, TJ, and Amanda take off to Canada for a few weeks to see CJ. CJ doesn't do ANY drugs during our visit.

In the fall, we all go to Ohlone, happily ever after.


I wish... sadface...

-Cait

mood: hopeful

Ok, so I'm flipping around FaceBook, bored, blah blah blah... then find that my dad 'joined a cause' regarding Obama saying how we're not a Christain nation. There was a video, their "proof" that Obama said we aren't The clip was 17 seconds, and said this:

"For we once were, we are no longer a Christain nation... at least not 'just.' We are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, and a Buhdist nation, and a Hindu nation, and a nation of non-believers." 

Um... whats the problem? He said that we're not "just" a Christain nation, but a nation of many faiths, along with people who have no faith. America isn't just one specific thing. The majority may worship god or whetever, but not everybody does. Obama said we're not just one specific thing, we are many things. So... why are people throwing a hissy fit?

If I am misinformed in some way, by all means, help me out here.

-Cait

mood: confused

Well. Today has sucked giant donkey balls.

I woke up feeling nauseous. To the point where I didn't think I could brave going to school. I had a dentist appointment, followed by allergy shots. Got back home, started to finish my Social Justice homework. At 2:30, Alex called. Turns out TJ was in the office.

He didn't do anything wrong. Turns out somehow he'd been hit in the head by a light that was hanging in the cafeteria. Something along the lines of this. He then got taken to the hospital and got a staple in his skull. He was bleeding a lot, but was otherwise fine.

After my appointment with Altbaum I went to a store and bought a cheap balloon that said "Get Well" and walked to his house. Nobody was there, so I tied it to a chair on the porch and left.

Came back to the house. Continued to feel sick. Finished my Social Justice homework, and now I'm here. I texted him. He mentioned a headache and some vomiting, then pretty much stopped texting. I texted his mom asking about him, but she hasn't responded. I don't really want to call, since he's feeling so shitty...

I'm really worried about him. Being hit in the head by a Source 4 light has to fucking hurt. I've handled those kinds of lights since I was a sophomore. I can't carry more than three at a time. I'll stop be his house after school tomorrow, since he probably won't be at school. ::sadface:: I miss my TJ.

Hope you get better soon, love.

-Cait

mood: sick

It's amazing what you can do with the censor...

The Count, censored. 

"You know that I am called The Count
Because I really love to ::BEEEEEEP::
Sometimes I sit and ::BEEP:: all day
But sometimes I get carried away..."

HAHAHAHAHA!

-Cait

Turned 18 on Friday. I'm now a legal adult, and my sex with TJ is no longer illegal. XD

Yesterday was Senior Ball, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Why aren't my meds knocking me out?

-Cait

mood: uncomfortable

Thats life at the moment. I did see TJ again today. He came over for a bit. Watched me do chores. Walked the dog. Watched some TV. Then we went to his house and met up with Alex and Zak. They played Nazi Zombies and I surfed the in-tar-web. Val and Ginger came over. Val was high and drunk and wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. Then we piled six people into a four person car and went to Bay Street Cafe, and I saw an old friend Igor. Went back to TJ's. Val and Ginger left. The four of us went to the Elephant Bar, where I picked off of TJ and Alex's plates. Then Alex drove everybody home.

TJ and I were in a really lovey mood, which I did not mind at all. It's way better than arguing over stupid shit. 

Texts!

TJ: I love ya
Cait: I love you too
TJ: Thank you love you really made my night
Cait: How so?
TJ: Just by being there
Cait: Sweet. You made mine too, love.
TJ: Thank you love
Cait: No. Thank you.
TJ: Your very welcome my love
Cait: ^_^ ::hugkiss::
TJ: ::hugkiss::
Cait: I'm going to go shleepy shleep. Hope you have fun airsofting. G'night. I love you, deeply and forever.
TJ: I love you too my dear forever

We were just very... gentle. I love him so much, it goes beyond words.

-Cait

mood: okay music: Brick - Ben Folds Five